From "Texts From Last Night" .. this site makes me laugh so hard!
"Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that!"
"Just went to get groceries. A cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked"
"He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow."
"These burps are starting to have way more vomit in them"
"When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up."
"Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you."